It is known that to communicate with strangers much easier than with loved ones. In the first case to develop personal boundaries is not difficult, and the second is much harder to do. What to do if you criticize native people? Not allow them to manipulate themselves.
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If we criticize loved ones background is often quite the opposite than in the case with colleagues, or strangers.
- The first reason for criticism– an attempt to cause guilt, to suppress and to do as he wants critic. And the more we succumb to these gimmicks, the stronger the power of the manipulator, bestacne it would violate our personal boundaries.
But if close is categorically incapable of distinguishing manipulation from normal open communication, it can turn into a domestic tyrant. And now he decides what you wear, what you eat and how to spend free time. Therefore, it is important to stop such attempts are violations of boundaries. No matter how much we were close, personal space is a must have.
- The second reason – the inability to Express the request in clear text. For example, native people may not say directly that he wants to spend more time with you, and begins to accuse on the little things. He can tell that you’re digging, when you’re cleaning the apartment. What a long time sitting on the Internet that a lot of talking on the phone with friends. The real reason for this criticism lies in the fact that the person would like, instead, to walk with you in the Park, go skiing, go to a movie or to visit.
Why doesn’t he say it directly? There are many reasons, and one of them is that we are just not used to discuss joint plans. Not accustomed to openly Express their desires because they are afraid of failure. And if you refuse, it means I’m unworthy of attention, I mean bad. In this case, you need to learn to verbalize everything, and it has to be learned separately.
- The third reason – people want to help, if he sees that something is wrong. And he is convinced that if we criticize, then you will certainly change and become better. This is his way of communicating, so he was taught from childhood, and he is not otherwise able to help.
It would seem much easier to just say, «that blouse doesn’t suit you, because it makes your skin sallow». So they do not know, so I say, «Well, once in a coffin». It hurts, spoils the mood, but they do not understand.
How to resist such manipulation?
In all three cases differently, and let’s look at these three types of criticism, and denote them by numbers:
1. Trying to break personal boundaries and control can be suppressed using the technique of «Always say «Yes.» No matter what kicker, we need to accept and to confirm his words, however, they need to devalue. That is not humbly accept that he is right, as it were, to turn his criticism into a meaningless word for you. For example, if you say that you’re a bad cook, although it is not possible to say that the next time will cook the one who best knows how. Or what you need money for cooking classes. Or something like that. Of course, the critic will not stop and will continue on. It is important to stick to your position, agree to and translate the phrase in your sense, on track, every time I say «Yes».
2. If a person is not able to ask directly and say what he wants, we can ask: «What am I bothering you that long to clean it up?». That is, to turn to his personality, his needs. Quite possibly, he’ll tell you what he wants from you.
If it doesn’t happen, you can apply the technique of «Negative questions»: «the Truth is I’ve been out? How long? What we could do in the time that I spent cleaning?». This will encourage the interlocutor to Express the true reason for criticism.
That is, with the help of these questions, you show that you agree with the critic and are ready to go forward, to change the situation. Typically, this method worked perfectly, because it puts your partner in the position of «I am right» and puts you in the position of «I’m sorry.» You communicate as equal interlocutors who are looking for a General solution to the problem.
3. Critic «delusional» not aware that it hurts a person’s your witty comments. In this case, do not take his criticism to heart – we must look at the motive. He doesn’t want to offend, suppress, or cause a feeling of guilt, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He wants you to become better and not aware of what causes pain.
Such people are good to ask a clarifying question: «What do you mean?». As a rule, immediately followed by a detailed response with rational proposals and recommendations. It is better to listen and draw conclusions that will benefit all.
Such people also can try to explain that this way of communicating is hurting you, and they in most cases are going to meet.
You can also prevent criticism: advance to ask opinions about what you are going to do, what to wear and what to cook. Then some of the responsibility be on him, and he will criticize himself already. This technique should be used with caution, if a person has a tendency to control and managing loved ones – may exceed their authority.
In any attempt of criticism on the part of any person, the important one is internal respect yourself, love yourself. Then there is no need to study, train and apply all these techniques. After all, confident people communicate adequately so that no one would dare to manipulate them. You can try, however, will understand that it is useless.
And until such love and respect is not enough – use equipment. They also help to begin to respect themselves, and each time become more self-sufficient.
It is also essential to respect the interlocutor, as if tactless he was. To understand what a person has reason to criticize you. Even if it’s in a bad mood – it’s still a reason.
And don’t take criticism personally, try not to himself, to his person. When you respect yourself, when internally absolutely quiet – you can really assess the situation and do not fall under the negative influence of criticism.